Family Crises

This week has been rather emotionally challenging. Last week I had a few decent sized "gashes" in my spirit as I have experienced death of a loved one as well as the sudden loss of a brother of a dear friend of mine. I found it rather ironic that this week we talked about family crisis in class, most of which were dealing with coping with the loss of loved ones. Though it felt like hydrogen peroxide on my newly acquired wounds, it was a good part of the healing process. I wanted to talk a little bit today about how crises, such as death in the family, can be a way for us to grow closer to one another.
The first thing I want to show you is the Chinese word for Crisis:

As you can see it is a combination of the words "danger" and "opportunity." Interesting huh? The first question was an opportunity for what? What things would come as a result of a crisis? Well, there would be an opportunity for learning; for growth. Growth emotionally, sometimes physically, as well as spiritually. What a neat concept that though there may be danger (potential for pain), there is also an opportunity. 

The next thing that I found really interesting is the definition of crisis. There is actually not a set "definition" or a "list" of crisis. The reason for that is that what might be a crisis for one family, may not be a crisis for another family. We learned about a model for crisis called the ABCX model ("Marriage and Family: the quest for intimacy by Lauer and Lauer). It works like this:

A: Actual event
B: Both resources and applying those resources – when a family goes through a crisis they have different resources such as extended family, past experiences

C: Cognitions – the thought process

X: Total eXperience

"For example, let us say that two families, the Smiths and the Joneses, face the stressor of unemployment

Smiths:

A= unemployment

C= define situation as undesirable but also as a challenge

B= they decide that each family member will try to find work and will do something to save money

X= The interaction of these three produces no serious crisis for them

Joneses:

A= unemployment

C= define their situation as a disaster

B= they expect the father to find a new job immediately and to do something to avoid any serious change in their lifestyle

X= the interaction of these three is a crisis"

What was the difference? The way that they reacted to the situation. One family was willing to change and help one another while the other relied completely on the father. What a stressful situation for Mr. Jones! While the Joneses are busy pointing figures and shoving the responsibility solely onto the father, the Smiths are experiencing something unifying. Which do you think are the most happy? My money would be on the Smith family. 

Crises requires change; sometimes in family structure, sometimes in our roles in the family, other times it necessitates other physical, spiritual or emotional changes. But I know that if we can be strong enough, and humble enough to make those changes, we can learn so many things the Lord would have us learn. Everything happens for a reason. I am convinced of that more and more each day. May the Lord bless you as you do your best to over come the challenges you are facing and that they won't become crises in this life, but you can look at these challenges as an opportunity to become more like our Father in Heaven. Have a great week!

Until next week,
Renee ;)

Marital Intimacy and Complete Fidelity

I really wish you could have been there this week when we talked about this sometimes "touchy" subject. The way that we approached sexual intimacy this week, was with so much reverence that it has literally changed my perspective on just about everything about sex, fidelity, and marriage in general.

We started off the week as we spoke of the physiological things that occur during intercourse and explain the importance of having that sort of interaction with one person your whole life, and it's not just because God said so. In women, there is actually chemical called oxytocin, also known as the "bonding chemical," that is released during intercourse. This chemical is rarely released. Really the only other time it's released is when a mother is giving birth. This chemical creates a strong emotional bond with the other person. Now, if this chemical is so powerful, should it not be reserved for someone that you are "legally and lawfully" wedded to? Why would you share something so precious with anyone else?

There are other chemicals also such as Adrenalin, serotonin (also known as anti-depressant), along with dopamine (the natural kind). When the Lord commanded husband and wife to be of "one heart, one mind," it make so much sense that we would only have these experiences with one person. He gave us these powers not only to be happy and have close relationships with our spouses but also to create bodies for those waiting to come to this earth. We take part in this creation process, thus making this experience not just physically/emotionally satisfying, but also spiritually uplifting. It is through this process that we can find ourselves closer to God than in any other setting. What a wonderful opportunity that is! 

The other thing that we talked about that I really wanted to emphasize is the topic of infidelity. We learned that having sexual relationships outside of marriage is not the only type of infidelity. 

	Emotional	Physical
Detached	Fantasy	Visual
Attached	Romantic	Sexual

We read a paper entitled, "INFIDELITY: PROTECTING OUR MARRIAGES," written by Scott Gardner & Christian Greiner and it describes these four types of infidelity. (click here for full text)

A Fantasy Affair (emotional/detached) is characterized by having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous and would likely never be met. Examples can include flirting online or otherwise fantasizing romantically about someone other than a spouse. This violates the commandment given to Eve that her “desire” should be unto her husband (Genesis 3:16).

Visual Affairs (detached/physical), such as pornography are perhaps the most common type of infidelity. They are categorized as “physical” because they do typically involve the viewer acting out sexually. The Lord has warned us that we should not look upon anyone lustfully. While this includes wondering eyes, it also includes any form of sexual media. Pornography in all forms is strictly forbidden along with any Internet site, magazine, movie, and book where immodesty is portrayed. (Side note: think about the chick flicks you have seen; how many of us afterward, consciously or subconsciously, compare the characters to our own spouses? Do you see a wedge that could potentially create in your relationship with your spouse? Food for thought.)

A Romantic Affair (emotional/attached) occurs when an individual becoming emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. A romantic affair is characterized by a “second life” and is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life

And finally, the one we associate most with infidelity, is Sexual Affair (physical/attached) occurs when a person engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage with or without emotional attachment.

As we discussed further in class, we made a list of things that would be considered "infidelity" according to these definitions, we thought about the commandment, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else" (D&C 42:22) What does that mean to “cleave unto her and none else?” We talked about how friends, hobbies, your church calling, work, etc, should not interfere with your relationship with your spouse. Going back to the R.A.M. attachment theory, the more we know, trust, rely, commit or touch something, the more we are attached to that person/thing. What that person is not our spouse our attachment with our spouse will shift from them to the person or object to which we are spending our time with. This is why it is important to be careful of any relationship we have outside of our marriage, whether a friend, co-worker of the same or opposite gender, or our boat, because we could jeopardize putting something before our spouse that really shouldn’t be.  

So how are you doing? Are there things that you need to change to strengthen your marriages and make them “Affair Proof?”

The last thing I wanted to say, I’ll make it short and sweet. You may have asked yourself a time or two, “How can I talk to my children about sex? When do I talk to them about it? Should I even talk about it? What if it gives them more ideas??” If you have asked these questions, you would be considered a part of the majority of parents. These are very important questions! If there is one thing that I learned this week, it is the importance of children receiving such sacred information from the lips of their own parents.  So what is the best way to go about that “touchy” subject? To keep my promise of keeping this short, I wanted to refer you to a manual available by my church that addresses all of these questions. It is a great resource! I hope you will explore it! It is so important to educate our children correctly so that they will not look to their friends or teachers at school, or heaven forbid, the internet for their answers. It is also important to start young. Believe it or not, you can start teaching your children about it from birth! Find out by reading, "A Parent's Guide."

I wish you all the best! Until next time!

Renee :)

Nature vs Divinity

This week we talked mostly about the transition between being engaged to being married to bringing children into the world. When thinking about what I should talk about today, the decision was pretty clear that I needed to talk about the difference of going through these life changing events naturally, as opposed to going through them in a divine way. Allow me to explain...

According to today's society, aka what is on all the television shows, when a woman is pregnant, she is "allowed" to boss other people around because her hormones are running wild and is miserable. Take "Father of the Bride 2" for example. Do you remember the scene where the two pregnant are sitting on the couch and the dad/husband is running ragged to try to get everything they need! If you have forgotten, it's in the video clip below. 

So there are a  few things that I noticed when I watched this particular clip. Maybe you did too? First of all, where is the daughter's husband? Would it not be important for him to be there when his brand new baby arrives? Also, did you notice the relationship between the mother and daughter? Now, to the normal person, that seems totally natural. Well so does cohabitation, pre-marital sex, and homosexual relationships. But are we wanting to live like the "natural man?" 

Now what if I were to tell you that overcoming the natural man does not only have to do with overcoming temptations, but also letting go of the things of the world in exchange for something divine. We are all divine beings, no matter who you are. We are all offspring of a divine being we lovely call our Heavenly Father. So what does that mean? What does being a child of God mean to you? Just think about it. 

There are some important things that I want to share about going through the pregnant process in a different way; a divine way. First let me explain a few things that men often tend to feel during pregnancy. A typical man during his wife's pregnancy feels a wide range of emotions. He is excited for the new addition, worried about how he can support his family, works hard to provide and tend to his wife's every need, and quite often feels unappreciated. The mother is often so consumed in her experience that is happening within her, that she doesn't give her husband as much attention as she did before. She will also become closer with her own mother; calling her for advise, asking questions, and sharing all the "precious moments" with her, as well as accompanying her to her doctor appointments. As a result, the man feels "left out" in a way, and withdraws, and it is then interpreted by the woman that he doesn't care about the baby. When it is time for delivery,  it is often the mother there coaching, holding her daughter's hand, and helping her through while the husband stands off in the distance observing the event instead of participating on center stage. All this would be considered the "natural" way. But we aren't seeking to be natural, we are seeking to be divine. So what does a divine pregnancy look like? 

Woman, it is extremely important for your husband to be involved. Over come this desire to turn to your mother for everything. You husband should be the one there at your doctor appointments. Men, stay involved. Take time out of your day to go to these appointments. As best you can, share every little experience. As we talked about last week about RAM, we still need to continue in all those areas (know, trust, rely, commit, touch). If we ignore, for example touch, the possiblity of creating a wedge in the relationship becomes greater. It is important to have this experience be "our" experience and not just a "her" experience. When it comes to delivery, husbands be there by her side. She is putting everything on the line to bring a child into this world. What a great miracle that you have a chance to be a part of. Don't miss it! 

Now, I would really like to hear from you this week. Especially those of you who have gone through the pregnancy process. What did you do to strengthen your relationship with your spouse during pregnancy? What things did your spouse appreciate? How did your relationship change when you brought children into your lives? I would love to hear from you! 

Have a great week!

Until next time 

Renee ;)

Dating, Marriage, and Cohabitation?

Well this week we talked a lot about dating and marriage. Ha, I just love going to an LDS University! Part of our assignment Monday was to create a plan for getting five dates after reading this article called, "Casual Dating is Alive and Well" I must say, I was impressed with this girl's method! It actually gave me a lot of confidence! It was a solution to my dilemma of should the guy ask the girl or can the girl ask the guy? So my plan this week was to 1) go to places where I could meet more guys because I honestly don't know hardly ANY guys here! Then 2) Was to look guys in the eyes and be confident with who I was! 3) engage in meaningful conversation 4) BE BRAVE!!! Ha that last step was extremely important. As I pondered my plan through out the week, I was really just trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do to fulfill this goal of finding 5 dates? On Wednesday, we talked about how dancing was just like speed dating. The lightbulb came on and I found myself at Country Dancing on Wednesday night. I went all by myself, and when I left my apartment, my roommates asked where I was going? I simply told them, "I am going to go find me a husband!" Okay first of all, it's not like what you're thinking! I promise I'm not one of those crazy girls that thinks I have to know if I am going to marry someone after the first date! But I simply meant that I had a goal, not one I was planning on fulfilling that night by any means. A very interesting thing happened psychologically that night. I was confident. I was happy. And I wasn't really afraid to be me. All because I had a goal, and a plan! Now I know you are all dying to know what happened... Well as a matter of fact, I met a really nice guy and he invited me to Latin dance. I went to Latin dance and met another guy whom I spoke with for over two hours and just had a blast getting to know someone! 

This brings me to the other thing that I found particularly interesting this week. It is called the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). It is a theory that has changed my life and helped me understand so much about my love life! The theory goes like this... It is based on the following five things: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. It says that the more we know, trust, rely, commit, and touch someone, the more attached we become to that person. Can anyone identify to this theory? I know I can! I finally understand my obsession of getting to know people! Think about when you were dating, or if you are single, think about your relationships you have with friends right now. I can almost guarantee that this theory is very evident in your own lives as well! 

Okay last thing I wanted to talk about is cohabitation. It was thought by social scientist 50 years ago that cohabiting was the most logical solution to decrease the number of divorces. What they found over the years was astonishing. Cohabiting actually increase the occurrences of divorces! How is that possible? Why is that? Logically thinking wouldn't it seem economical to live together? We could combine resources? We would also be able to observe the other person on a day-to-day basis. Would that not be helpful? Also, if we just live together then, when we decide that we don't want to be together, we won't have to pay for a divorce. So technically, cohabiting just makes sense right? WRONG! (Silly Satan things he can fool us...ha!) I will show you a graphic that will help me explain why that is NOT the case. 

Okay so lets say you start dating someone exclusively... you decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, then you get engaged. While engaged, things start become less and less "your's" and "mine" and a lot more of "our" things. Then when you get married, you lay it all out on the table and what's your's is his and what's his is yours. 

Now let's look at cohabiting. So you start dating someone exclusively. And you love each other so you decide to move in. But you still have separate bills. It's still his dog, her car, my cell phone, his tv, etc. Then you decide that you might as well get married so you can feel that commitment (increasing your RAM). But after you get married, not much has changed... there is still a lot of "his" or "hers" and not very much "our." 

I think the most interesting thing, were the trends found when looking that the lives of those who tended to cohabit. Some of the factors were that they were younger, less religious, lower-income classes, their parents tended to have a divorce and lastly, (which I found the MOST interesting) is that the education of their mothers. The trend is that those whose mothers were less educated, tend to cohabit with their partner before marriage. Yet another reason why education is so important. I hope this blog is helping you understand more about why the principles taught in the church are so powerful and meaningful and simple put : TRUTH. The general authorities are NOT making up these statistics my friends. But thank goodness we can take peace in the gospel, and to know what is the Lords will, through his servants, the prophets. May the Lord bless you this week and may you share this knowledge with all you know, that they may also find peace in their family lives. 

Until next time ;)

Renee

Gender Roles

Wow, another week of highly valuable information stuffed in my brain all jumbled up and now it's time to make sense of it and pass on the "better part."  I think the hardest part is trying to decide what will be the most valuable to share with you! As the title suggests, we discussed a lot about the different roles men and women play. First let me ask a question, besides body parts, are men and women really that different? Are there really specific roles that men are better at than women? Or women better than men? Once again the Family: A Proclamation to the World, states that, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." One cannot, however conclude that one gender is superior or inferior to one or the other. The Lord clarifies the roles of each gender when he says, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners" (emphasis added). Here we learn the general roles of fathers and mothers individually. Though mothers may be "primarily" responsible for the nurturing of their children, fathers and mothers each play an essential role in showing love to their children. Now a note on the word "equal." Something I realized this week was that the words "same" and "equal" do NOT mean the same thing. I understand that there are many feminine thinkers out there and think that women are some how under minded by men because they won't "allow" them to do the same jobs that men do. The fact of the matter folks, is that men and women are different. They should be treated equal but not the same. We need each other to achieve the greatest satisfaction in this life. Men and women were built to compliment each other not to compete against one another. Just like how we are all blessed with different talents and abilities, we are born with different spirits. And thank goodness! If we all acted like just men or just women, how boring would life be?

This brings me to another highly debated topic in today's society. That of same gender attraction. First, I wanted to define a few different terms. Same gender attraction refers to people who may find someone of their same gender sexually attractive. Homosexuality is acting on those thoughts, or sexualizing someone of their same gender either in thoughts or actions. Now the term "gay" or "lesbian" drive me nuts. There are so many presumptions that come when we call someone gay or lesbian. My teacher made a very good point in class to illustrate this frustration I have with these terms. If you think about it, if you were called gay because you don't like sports or you may have a more "feminine" side, does that mean you really are a homosexual? I have seen so many people be told that they were gay and then they turn out that way. Makes me wonder, "If people never used these terms, would the world be a different place? Would there be as many people who chose this lifestyle?" There was something that I want to make clear about people who choose this lifestyle. Many times it is a result of being sexually abuse at some point in their life. 75% of men who identify themselves as homosexual, said they "found out" they were that way when they were sexually molested.  (Most of the research that we did in this class had to deal with homosexual men so that is why I am just referring to them at present.) In fact, most of the men that are homosexuals say that when they were younger, they felt that they never quite fit in with the other boys because they would rather play house with the girls or focused more on the relationships with people. They didn't feel accepted by their own gender and many times that's when the taunting and teasing begins. Around age 10 or 11 boys start to notice girls and the boys that grew up playing with the girls don't understand what the big deal is? They're just girls? Well those boys who already have a good relationship with girls, then sought the approval of his male peers and never seems to get it. It is often the most detrimental to not receive the approval of their father. The relationship between father and son is so important! I cannot stress that enough! Fathers, please please please be involved not just with your sons, but ALL of your children.

Once again, basically the best thing that we can do for our children, is first love our spouses. If we can accomplish that, we will be more equipped to help and love our children the way they deserve. That's all folks. Until next time!

Renee

The Secret to a Happy Family

This week we were asked the question,"Are all cultures equally valid?" The first thing we had to do was define a few terms. The first of which was, "culture." Take a minute and think about how you would define culture? Is is more than just where you live? How does culture influence you individually? As a family? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it is defined as, "the beliefs, customs, arts, etc., of a particular society, group, place, or time" Therefore if we apply this to the family, culture is much more than what one family does; its what they think and believe as well. The next term we had to define was "valid." This one seemed to be more difficult that culture! Again, if we turn to Webster, it says,  " fair or reasonable; acceptable according to the law." This brought in another interesting aspect of validity... the Law... Well, where does the law come from? Who establishes the law? Isn't it all a matter of opinion? We established that there are two difference sets of laws: those of man and those of God. 

This is when going to a church university starts to becomes very personal and beneficial. We then discussed what God's law was, and if that law was applicable to everyone or just members of our faith? We talked a lot about The Family: A Proclamation to the World (for complete document see left margin). Since we were discussing the validity of family cultures, we thought it would be helpful to figure out what the purpose of the family really was. According to the Latter-Day Saint beliefs, we believe that the purposes of the family are 1) Protecting and raising children, 2) to help us to return back to Heavenly Father's (God's) presence, 3) Teach correct principles, 4) to be unified in this world to help bare one another's burdens. It was meant that families would be our support systems, our "go to" people, and just our comrades in this crazy world we call life. We also believe the following about families: 

"THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed."

Although we, as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, do not discriminate against those who choose to live other life styles, we will defend what we know to be right and true. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, an apostle of the Lord teaches us more on the topic of tolerance. He says, "Tolerance is defined as a friendly and fair attitude toward unfamiliar opinions and practices or toward the persons who hold or practice them." This does not mean that we embrace those cultures, but do/should try to do our best to be respectful to those who choose to live such lifestyles. Now, many may say that it is just our opinion about what we believe about God and his law. But these theories have been confirmed over and over again that are consistent to what the Lord has revealed to us today. I know that if we follow those laws that the Lord has set forth, we will have a much greater chance of having a happy family! 

Some may think that it is wrong or harsh or discrimination to go around telling people that this is the correct way of doing things. But, the way I see it is, I've experienced a lot of these things in my own personal life and has seen them work in the lives of others. I have seen the blessings of families who live in accordance with the Laws the Lord has put before us. Science has shown over and over again just how meaningful and accurate those Laws are. I tell you these things not because I feel that my religion is better than your's, or that my way is more superior, but that I know how much happiness it can bring and I feel a great need to tell the world of this so called secret to a happy family life. I hope those of you who also have this knowledge will find the courage and seek out the opportunities to share the knowledge that you have, so that other families can be blessed with the same happiness you have felt in your own families. 

Good luck! And until next time ;)
Renee

Why do families work the way they do?

This past week we have talked a great deal about several different theories. I will never forget how Brother Williams taught these theories to us! I felt like a little kid! It was awesome! He had us put our hands in the air and mimic everything he did. Wow! I felt kinda dumb doing it at first, but now I am so grateful for it! By the end of this post, you might begin to recognize the presence of some of these theories in your own families! If you do, I would love to hear about it!

When I explain these theories, I will be applying them to the family unit specifically. These theories can be used for other groups but since my main focus is the family, that what I will be relating it to. The first theory we talked about was called the Family Systems theory. I like to think of this theory as like a complex machine with many different parts; the machine representing the family unit and the parts representing each member within that family. When one of the parts malfunctions, the whole machine can be affected. I have seen this with many families that I have been able to be around. What each person does in the family affects the family unit as a whole. Sound familiar to anyone? Ever had a child act out and then suddenly the whole family seems to be on edge? I most certainly have. Things to watch out for with this kind of family system is that coalitions often form and many times, unhealthy patterns will be passed down through generations. And what appears to be an individual's problem may be a problem arising out the family system.

The next theory often quotes, "You owe me one." It is called the exchange theory. Can you guess what this theory is about? That's right. Basically its the cost vs benefit theory. When this theory was first presented, I thought it was such a selfish theory. I thought, "Who would ever voluntarily being such a family system? I would hate having the feeling that I am keeping score against my family members." Now for those who know me pretty well, know that I am a fairly competitive person. I like to win. It's in my blood. But when it comes to relationships, I fully believe there are healthier ways to go about things. Life, especially within a family, should not be a competition. So after all that running through my head, I went to class, only to find that I did do this; not exactly the way I thought though. See, I love to give! Whether it be my time, a love note/letter, a gift, a hug, anything I can really, I just love to give. But what didn't realize before is that I would do those things because I loved that person and I wanted either 1) approval or 2) love in return from that person. I learned that with this system, that "give" is not always equivalent in the "take" when it comes to a dollar amount or the same action being reciprocated. Rather, each of us love and receive love differently and this theory is all about living in a balance.

The next one I found absolutely fascinating! It is called the Symbolic Interaction theory. In this theory we find that everything we do has a meaning. For example, the tone of your mothers voice when she said your name because she was proud of you, verses the tone of her voice when you forgot to pick up your little sister from basketball. :S Yeah big difference right? Well have you ever been in those situations where someone just did something and they didn't ask you first, and you didn't want them to whatever it was they did? What did you think about that person after? Well what if that person did it because they thought that you needed something else. They were thinking they did it to show love and you were thinking they did it because they didn't think you were capable of getting it done. There in-lies the problem. That phrase "actions speak louder than words" brings in so much conflict into relationships. Thus it is so important to speak with that person and understand why they did what they did. Were they really trying to sabotage your plans? Or were they thinking about your safety and well being? Next time someone does something that ruffles your feathers, I would invite you to investigate more into their reasoning before you get your panties in a wad.

The last one is called the Conflict theory. Bare with me, this one I am still trying to wrap around my brain, and its just not sticking the way I need it to just yet. But I think we can all agree that each of us are our own persons. We have our own wants, needs, and interests that need to be satisfied but there are limited sources out there. So the question with theory is that since we all have different interests, how will we distribute the resources we do have. Resources things other than just money such as time. This also deals with power struggle. Now since I am one to withdraw from conflict, I have a harder time relating to this theory and coming up with a good example. Sorry folks.

So now you are probably asking yourself, "Why did you just waste 10 min of my life to read this?" Well, my theory is that if you can recognize just one unhealthy pattern that is happening in your family, you can be more consciously aware of that and be able to find a way to change that. I know I won't be able to change the world, but helping families is a great alternative. Happy Changing!  bis nächste Woche!